things are not looking up anymore

i’m probabley getting 3 Ds, 2 Bs and 2 As on my report card

i really don’t know how i’m fucking up so badly in like every aspect of my life, i really hate myself for it.  i’m gonna to end up breaking my fist soon if i can’t find a healthier way to  let out my aggression the next time i go over the edge

i have a bottle of lovespell on my nightstand, and i sprayed a shirt with it and fell asleep with it against my face, so i could close my eyes and smell it and pretend i wasn’t alone

is there something wrong with me?
or am i just a loser?

definitely looking up

 i literally want nothing more than to cuddle with someone under a blanket during a snow storm 

i miss having a warm body snug up against mine, i miss closing my eyes and resting my head on someone’s shoulder, i miss having someone’s head lying on my chest, i miss hearing someone’s breathing as it turns from conscious to unconscious, i miss not just hugging, but holding someone, i miss staring into a pair of eyes and being completely comfortable

i fucking miss it all 

i really just want to cuddle, so badly

that’s all i want 

every time i think this out, i think the same thing
things would be so much easier if you were my age

fuck my lifeeeee i don’t know what to do 

working is going to be the death of me
but i gotta make that money, i need to be able to pay for college
but i’m not finding myself having enough time for anything
school, homework, track, work, sleep

someone shatter this pathetic monotony that is my life 

love is beautiful
and i feel ugly



i’m the loneliest person you could ever imagine, but i don’t let people know that

if you knew how lonely i feel, to the exact extent
and then understood that i’ve felt that nearly every day for the past year and 4 months, 
you’d probably wonder how i deal with it

i bury it
real fuckin deep 

i feel like i have the strongest will out of anyone i know

i stick to my motherfucking guns

i do not believe anyone could convince me to do anything i truly did not want to do.

that’s probably what i hate it when people try to tell other people how to live their life( religious people preaching to people of not the same religious background, for example).  if you’re happy, then be happy, one man’s happiness could be another’s nightmare, so don’t try to make everyone just like you

i don’t get people sometimes, just let everyone else do what they want, unless they ask for your opinion

also; if you don’t like me overall as a person, just go away please, i don’t need fake people pretending to be my friends

also; i need to stop beating around the fucking bush sometimes

i just want to go to semi tomorrow and dance my heart out…dancing makes me feel a lot better, i can’t help but be happy when i’m dancing
or maybe i just can’t dance when i’m not happy
regardless, i’m always happy when i’m dancing 

i also get to dress up tomorrow, adn my motto is look good, feel good, do good, be good

if you can be happy with how you look, you’re gonna feel good
if you feel good, you’re gonna do good in whatever you choose to do
and if you’re looking good, feeling good, and doing good, you are good, and your goodness is gonna make everyone else feel good

and nothing makes me look better than some fresh-ass black dress pants, a clean as fuck white button up and a motherfuckin’ fedora 

so i had this dream last night
i was on top of some skyscraper i think, but there was no wind and it was room temperature up there, and i was at a front desk as a cashier, exactly like i am for rite-aid
so i’m looking out on this dark blueish orangey city scape, it looks really beautiful

a beautiful woman somehow is on top of the builing with me, (she appeared-or, i guess i just “noticed” her-from my left, exactly where customers would walk in if this were rite-aid

she was really pretty, but she wasn’t dressed up fancy or anything, she just looked like this really attractive girl in normal everyday clothing, maybe a year or two older than me…she walked up to the front where i was cashiering and smiled at me
she was buying something, i have no idea what it was, but i rang her up just like i do at my job, and i definitely didn’t ask her if she had a rite-aid card, but i think i just said “i can look you up by your phone number”, so she gave it to me
but she wasn’t just like “555-1234, k thanks”, she said every number independently and purposefully, saying them all nice and slow, like she’d say a number, and i’d type it in and look at her and she’d have this cute look on her face about to give the next number

so after she’s done, i tell her her total, and she says “alright, so now can i get your number?” and she smiled the most beautiful smile at me
and i felt amazing, i knew i was in love with this girl, and she was in love with me.
i kept screwing up when i was trying to give her my number, saying it wrong over and over, but she thought it was cute, and i finally gave her my number and she wrote it down

we started talking for a while, holding a conversation, and at one point she said “so are you majoring in science technology?(or something to do with science)” and i just gave a little smile and was like “no, i’m kinda not in college” and she just said “oh”, crumpled up the paper that she wrote my number on, threw it out and said “bye” and walked out

i immediately felt terrible, i wanted to cry, it was the worst feeling of having my heart broken without it actually breaking

it sucks because in my dream, i knew the exact reason she left was because she thought i was too young

dreams blow, either they suck and you feel terrible when you wake up, or they’re the most amazing thing ever, and you wake up and you realize none of that actually happened, and your life is exactly how it was before the dream 

i feel like my subconscious was definitely trying to tell me something, and i have a general idea what that was, but fuck it

i feel like i can find an amazing girl that’s younger than me, or older than me, but no one my age :/ 

fuck being lonely, it sucks